I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
