we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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