i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
