Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
