So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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