Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
