Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
