Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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