Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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