Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
