look no pants
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
