i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
