There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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