If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
