Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
