I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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