in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
