We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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