I'm going to jail i love you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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