hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
vagina is talking i cant
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
