Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
