??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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