I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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