You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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