You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
