I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
