just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
