she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
