I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
