What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
