Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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