I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
