So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
