I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
