I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
