I want you more than these girls want KFC
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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