I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
