So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
