Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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