Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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