What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
