I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
