They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
