I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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