FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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