In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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