I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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