I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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