I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
