And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
