she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
