I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
